Many years ago, in what was an otherwise relatively humorless existence as a doctoral student in physics, I began collecting Jewish jokes. It started simply. I heard a joke, retold it, and exchanged jokes with friends. I then began collecting books of Jewish humor—first in Yiddish and then in other languages as well. As my collection grew, a kind of growth principle took over, like a runaway nuclear chain reaction. For every joke I told, I acquired at least two new ones in exchange. In short order, the thing was completely out of hand. I took to carrying blank scraps of paper to Jewish events in case I heard new jokes. In extreme cases, I wrote them down on the napkins. (Jewish events always include food, and physicists are adept at napkin-writing.) I began doing stand-up comedy. Sometimes, it was in the guise of a lecture on Jewish humor; other times, it was club dates with Chicago’s Maxwell Street Klezmer Band.

Many books are written about the meaning and purpose(s) of humor. Some have focused on Jewish humor. I have written one: Our Pal God and Other Presumptions https://www.iuniverse.com/en/bookstore/bookdetails/108093-OUR-PAL-GOD-and-Other-Presumptions.

Here are some of the jokes therein and newer ones thereout.

Probably the oldest Jewish joke:

After smashing the first set of tablets, Moses returns with the second set. “I have good news and bad news,” he announces to the assembled Israelites. “The good news is, I got Him down to only ten. The bad news is, adultery stays in.”

Probably the newest Jewish joke:

A priest, a minister, and a rabbit walk into bar. The bartender asks the rabbit, “What are you doing here?” The rabbit answers, “I came in on Autocorrect.”

Here are a few more.

In honor of his twenty-fifth year of service, a rabbi receives an all-expenses paid trip to Miami from his congregation. When he checks into his suite at the Hotel Fontainbleau, he discovers a beautiful woman, naked on the bed. “What are you doing here?” he asks. “I’m part of the congregation’s gift to you. They wanted it to be a surprise.” The rabbi stalks over to the phone, places a call to the president of the synagogue, and proceeds to berate him. “How could you do such a thing? I’m shocked and appalled!” And he slams down the phone. He turns around to see the woman getting dressed. “Where are you going?” says the rabbi. “I’m not mad at you.”

A fellow is visiting a strange town when he notices his watch has stopped. He walks down the main street and comes upon a storefront filled with watches in display cases, in the windows, and on the walls. He walks in and asks the proprietor to repair his watch. “I don’t fix watches. I’m a moyhel (circumciser),” is the reply. “Then why do you have watches displayed everywhere?” asks the frustrated customer. The proprietor replies, “So what would you like me to display?”

The early twentieth-century Yiddish writer Sholem Asch, who wrote controversial novels about Jesus and Mary, had a reputation as a cheapskate. Legend has it that in the1920s, Asch was visiting the Sea of Galilee, near the locale of the Sermon on the Mount, and wanted to take a boat across to the other side. When the oarsman quoted him the price of the ride, Asch reputedly said, “No wonder Jesus walked!”

A Jew is walking down the streets of Moscow when the czar’s carriage drives by. The czar, in a Jew-baiting mood, orders his driver to stop. He dismounts and tells the Jew, “Get down in the gutter behind my horses, and eat what you find there.” The poor Jew complies. When he’s finally allowed to rise, he is so humiliated that he takes the chance of his life. He overpowers the driver, wrests his pistol from him, points it at the czar, and says, “Now you get down behind your horses and eat what’s there.” The czar complies. After he finishes, the Jew, holding them at bay, disappears into an alley and runs off home. When he arrives, his wife asks, “Anything interesting happen today?” “You’ll never guess who I had lunch with.”

A Catholic church adjoins a synagogue. Each congregation wants to show how well it treats its clergyman. The Catholics take up a collection and buy their priest a Mercedes. The Jews buy their rabbi a Jaguar. The priest goes out to his Mercedes and sprinkles it with holy water. The rabbi goes out to his Jaguar and saws two inches off the tailpipe.

Mrs. Yoshimura, a Japanese senior citizen on her first trip to America, comes into Macy’s Department store in Manhattan. She walks up to Mrs. Cohen, a Jewish saleslady about her own age, and says, “Excuse me, can you tell me where the cosmetics department is?” “Oh,” says Mrs. Cohen, “Pearl Harbor you could find?”

Mollie and Morrie are taking a bus tour of New York City. “This is the famous Vanderbilt Mansion,” says the guide. “Cornelius Vanderbilt?” asks Morrie. “No,” replies the guide, “William Vanderbilt.” They go further and stop at another beautiful building. “And this is the Astor Mansion,” says the guide. “John Jacob Astor?” asks Morrie. “No, Vincent Astor,” says the guide. Finally, the bus stops in front of a beautiful church. “And this is the famous Christ Church,” says the guide. Mollie grabs Morrie’s arm and mutters, “Don’t you open your mouth.”

I’ll upload more each week. Watch this space!