After smashing the first set of tablets, Moses returns
with the second set.
“I have good news and bad news,” he announces
to the assembled Israelites. 
“The good news is, I got Him down to ten.
The bad news is, adultery stays in.”

A priest, a minister, and a rabbit walk into a bar.  
The bartender asks the rabbit, "What are you doing here?" 
The rabbit answers, "I came in on Autocorrect."

In honor of his twenty-fifth year of service, a rabbi receives
an all-expenses paid trip to Miami from his congregation.
When he checks into his luxury hotel suite,
he discovers a beautiful woman, naked on the bed.
“What are you doing here?” he asks.
“I’m part of the congregation’s gift to you. They wanted it to be a
surprise.” The rabbi stalks over to the phone, places a call to
the president of the synagogue, and proceeds to berate him.
“How could you do such a thing? I’m shocked and appalled!”
And he slams down the phone.
He turns around to see the woman getting dressed. 
“Where are you going?” says the rabbi. “ I’m not mad at you. ”

A fellow is visiting a strange town when he notices
his watch has stopped. He walks down the main street
and comes upon a storefront filled with watches:
in display cases, in the windows, and on the walls.
He walks in and asks the proprietor to repair his watch.
“I don’t fix watches. I’m a moyhel (circumciser),”
is the reply.
“Then why do you have watches displayed everywhere?”
asks the frustrated customer.
“So what would you like me to display?”

The early twentieth-century Yiddish writer Sholem Asch,
who wrote controversial novels about Jesus and Mary,
had a reputation as a cheapskate. Legend has it
that in the 1920s, Asch was visiting the
Sea of Galilee, near the locale of the
Sermon on the Mount, and wanted to take a boat
across to the other side. When the oarsman
quoted him the price of the ride,
Asch reputedly said, “No wonder Jesus walked.”

A Jew is walking down the streets of Moscow when the czar’s
carriage drives by.The czar, in a Jew-baiting mood,
orders his driver to stop. He tells the Jew,
“Get down in the gutter behind my horses, and
eat what you find there.”
The poor Jew complies. When he’s finally allowed to rise,
he is so humiliated that he takes the chance of his life.
He overpowers the driver, wrests his pistol from him,
points it at the czar, and says, “Now you get down
behind your horses and eat what’s there.” The czar complies.
After he finishes, the Jew, holding them at bay,
disappears into an alley and runs off home.
When he arrives, his wife asks,
“Anything interesting happen today?”
“You’ll never guess who I had lunch with.”

A Catholic church adjoins a synagogue.
Each congregation wants to show how well it treats its clergyman.
The Catholics take up a collection and buy their priest a Mercedes.
The Jews buy their rabbi a Jaguar.
The priest goes out to his Mercedes and sprinkles it with holy water.
The rabbi goes out to his Jaguar and saws two inches off the tailpipe.

Mrs. Yoshimura, a Japanese senior citizen
on her first trip to America, comes
into Macy’s department store in Manhattan.
She walks up to Mrs. Cohen, a Jewish saleslady
about her own age,and asks, “Can you tell me
where the cosmetics department is?”
“Oh,” says Mrs. Cohen, “Pearl Harbor you could find?”

Mollie and Morrie are taking a bus tour of New York City.
“This is the famous Vanderbilt Mansion,” says the guide.
“Cornelius Vanderbilt?” asks Morrie.
“No,” replies the guide, “William Vanderbilt.”
They go further and stop at another beautiful building.
“And this is the Astor Mansion,” says the guide.
“John Jacob Astor?” asks Morrie.
“No, Vincent Astor,” says the guide.
Finally, the bus stops in front of a beautiful church.
“And this is the famous Christ Church,” says the guide.
Mollie grabs Morrie’s arm and mutters, “Don't you open your mouth."

The Satmar Rebbe, leader of one of the most fanatically pious sects 
in all of Judaism, dies and goes to Heaven. At the Pearly Gates, he
is greeted by a host of angels. The Angel Gabriel steps forward.
“Rebbe, it is rare indeed that we have such an august personage
as yourself join us.
In your honor, there will be a reception and banquet!”
“A reception and banquet,” muses the Rebbe. “May I ask,
who is the mashgiekh? Who makes sure the food is kosher?”
Gabriel stares at him. “Rebbe, this is Heaven.
The Reboyne-sheloylem, God Himself is the mashgiekh.”
The Rebbe says, “I’ll have the fruit plate.”

It is required that Jews who have been quarreling 
with each other make peace before Yom Kippur.  
Asking and receiving forgiveness from one’s fellow 
must precede asking forgiveness from God.  
Two Jews who have been at each others’ throats for 
the entire year are persuaded to meet and reconcile. 
Moishe says, “I forgive you for any wrongs I feel 
you did me during the year, and I ask for 
your forgiveness.”
Khatskl  replies, “I forgive you, and I also ask for
your forgiveness.” 
“I forgive you, “says Moishe, “and I wish for you 
in the coming year all that you wish for me.” 
“Oh,” says Khatskl, “you’re starting already?”

A Jew passes a store and sees a sign: 
"Davening Parrot". He goes in and asks
to hear the bird daven.
The proprietor says to the parrot,
'Daven the Rosh Hashonah service."
With that, the parrot reaches under one wing,
whips out a yarmulke,reaches under the other wing,
whips out a siddur, and begins
to daven the service.  Flawlessly.
The Jew says, "I'll buy him."
One month later is Rosh Hashonah.
The Jew brings the parrot
to shul and starts laying bets.
"Ten to one this parrot can daven the service."
When all the bets are down,
he tells the parrot, "Daven."
No response. The parrot sits there, silent.
The owner is humiliated and in serious debt.
He stalks out of the synagogue with the parrot.
After they're out of earshot, he demands,
"Why didn't you daven? You just cost me
a pile of dough!"
"Relax," says the parrot. "We're gonna
clean up on Yom Kippur."

A Jewish mountain climber is caught in a sudden avalanche.
As he is swept down the mountain by the rushing snow, he
manages to grab a branch. Hanging on for dear life, he casts
his eyes heavenward, and cries “Lord, Lord, please save me!”
The sky opens, a beam of blinding light appears, and from Heaven
is heard a voice: “Trust in me. Let go of the branch.”
The Jew again casts his eyes heavenward and asks,
“Is there someone else up there I could talk to?”

Goldstein brags that he knows everyone. Finally his friend
Shulweiss decides to call his bluff. “Do you know the Pope?”
“What a question! Of course I know the Pope; we’re good
buddies,”says Goldstein.
“OK,” says Shulweiss, “Here’s two tickets to Rome. You and I
are going, and I want to see you with the Pope.” So off they go.
Twenty four hours later, they’re in the square outside St. Peter’s.
The Pope is scheduled to bless the crowd in fifteen minutes.
“So, big shot?” says Shulweiss.
“So watch,” says Goldstein, and disappears into the crowd.
Fifteen minutes later, a roar goes up, and Shulweiss
sees the Pope appear on the balcony –with Goldstein at his side!
Shulweiss is dumbfounded. As he stands there with his mouth open,
a little Italian fellow taps him on the shoulder, and says,
“Hey, who’s the guy up there with Goldstein?”

A priest and a rabbi have been friends for many years.
One day the priest asks the rabbi, “Tell me the truth, have
you ever had ham?”
“Well,” replies the rabbi, “since you’re such a good friend,
I’ll confess to you. Before I was ordained, I tried ham once.
But let me ask you something.  Have you ever had sex?”
“Well,” replies the priest, “since we’re such good friends,
I’ll tell you: before I took holy orders, I tried sex once.”
“Better than ham, wasn’t it?”says the rabbi.

At a Senior Citizens’ Club in Miami Beach,
the widow Birnbaum notices
a new fellowsitting off to the side:
tall, distinguished, with a mane of white hair,
and a nice suit.
She walks over and sits down.
“Are you new here?”
“Yes,” he replies, “I just moved down to Florida.”
“May I ask from where?” says Mrs. Birnbaum.
“Joliet, Illinois.”
“And may I ask, what you did there?” she persists.
“I was in prison.”
“Really? For how long, if I may ask?”
“Twenty five years,” he replies.”
“Twenty five years? May I ask,
if you won’t take offense, for what crime?”
“I murdered and dismembered my wife,” is the reply.
“Ah,” says Mrs. Birnbaum, “So you’re single?”

The Anglo-Jewish writer Israel Zangwill was once at a dinner party
next to a British matron. Bored with the conversation, he inadvertently
let out a large yawn. The matron turned to him and said,
“Sir, I fear being swallowed up in that large Jewish mouth.”
“Rest assured, madam, you have no cause for concern,”replied Zangwill,
“My religion prohibits it.” 

A particularly horrible practice in the nineteenth century was the
kidnaping of so-called “cantonists ,” young Jewish boys forcibly
inducted into the Czar’s army for twenty five years.
Many lost contact with their family and their faith.
So when the “khappers,”the grabbers were sighted, the cry went out,
and all the young boys in the shtetl were hidden.

As the khappers are heading into a shtetl, the melamed (teacher)
takes all of the young boys into a cellar hidden by a trap door.
There they sit in the dark, scarcely daring to breathe.
Suddenly, they hear the door above slam open, then shut.
Footsteps rush over to the trap door.
And a voice cries out in Yiddish, “Open up, let an old Jew in!
The khappers are coming!”
“What are you worried about?” calls up the melamed,
“You’re not a young boy, you’re an old man.”
“Oh?” replies the voice, “And generals they don’t need?”

In nineteenth century Czarist Russia, a plan was devised to convert
the Jews.The first step was to lure them away from their own schools.
Special schoolswere opened, with Jewish students and Jewish teachers
–but the school inspectorswere Russians. Usually anti-Semites.

One such visits a school, marches into the math class, pushes aside
the teacher,and announces, “You Jews think you’re so smart?
Here’s a problem for you:A train is traveling a distance of 750 verst
from Town A to Town B. The trainhas 25 cars.
In each car are 18 passengers. How old am I?”

Silence reigns. Then a hand goes up in the back.

“You’re forty eight,” answers a young student.

The inspector is amazed. “How did you know?”

“Simple arithmetic,” says the student,
“In our shtetl there’s a guy who’s
twenty four, and he’s half meshuge (nuts).”

The Talmud has rules about Pesakh, one of which is invoked
by the Rabbi in his pre-Passover sermon.
“Remember,” he admonishes the congregation, “Do not eat matzoh
before Pesakh. To do so, says our Talmud, is as if to make love
to your fiancee in her father’s parlor.”
With which an elderly male congregant leaps to his feet
and shouts, “Rabbi, there’s no comparison whatsoever!”

A Jew presents himself at the gates of Heaven in 168 B.C.E., 
at the height of the Maccabean revolt.
“Before we can admit you, we need evidence of your virtue on the earth,”
says the Angel of Judgment.
“Well,” says the Jew, “I was a soldier in the Maccabean Army, 
and fought for a free Jewish commonwealth.”
“Did you commit any notable acts of courage?” asks the Angel.
“I believe so,” replies the Jew, “I was captured by the enemy, 
and brought before Antiochus, their king.  He asked me what
I had to say for myself, and I replied,
“You and your army are a bunch of barbarians,
not fit to live with pigs,and we shall defeat you
and drive you back into the caves where you belong!’”
“Wow,” exclaims the Angel, “When did you say all this?”
“About three minutes ago."

Moses goes up to the mountain to talk to God, and God is giving
him the commandments and other rules to write down. At one
point, God says, “Remember Moses, it’s cruel to cook a calf
in its mother’s milk.”
Moses: Oh, so we should never eat milk and meat together?
God: No, it’s just cruel to cook a calf in its mother’s milk.
Moses: Ah, so we should have separate dishes for milk and meat then?
God: No, it’s just cruel to cook a calf in its mother’s milk.
Moses: And when eventually we have dishwashers we should have one
for each set of plates?
God: Moses, do what you want.

A Jew comes to a priest and says he wants to convert. 
The priest says, "Fine, but what do you know about our religion?"
The Jew says, "Try me."
"OK. Where was Jesus born?"
"Pittsburgh."
"Wrong."
"Philadelphia."
"Wrong again." 
"So where was he born?"
"Bethlehem."
"I knew it was Pennsylvania."

A Jew comes to a priest and says he wants to convert. 
The priest says, "Fine, but what do you know about our religion?"
The Jew says, "Try me."
"What is the meaning of Easter?"
The Jew answers, "Jesus was crucified on Good Friday. 
He was buried in a cave. On Sunday he rose up from his tomb,
came out of the cave, and walked amongst the multitudes."
"And then what did he do?" asks the priest.
"He looked around, he didn't see his shadow,
he went back into the cave,  
and they had six more weeks of winter."

In occupied France during the Second World War,
a beautiful young woman, an old woman,
a Frenchman, a German officer, and a Jew
are sitting in a train compartment.
As the train passes through a tunnel, and the lights go out,
there is heard the sound of a kiss,
followed by the sound of a slap. When the lights come back on,
the German is holding his cheek.
What happened?
The German thinks the Frenchman kissed the young woman,
and she slapped him (the German) by mistake.
The old woman thinks the German kissed the young woman,
who then slapped him.
The young woman thinks the Frenchman kissed the old woman,
and she slapped the German by mistake.
The Frenchman thinks the German kissed the young woman
and she slapped him.
In fact, the Jew kissed his own hand,
then slapped the German.

THE REAL BOOK OF PROVERBS

Where there’s smoke, there may be salmon.

No meal is complete without leftovers.

According to Jewish dietary law, pork and shellfish
may be eaten only in Chinese restaurants.

You need ten men for a minyan, but only four
in polyester pants and white shoes for pinochle.

Never take a front row seat at a bris.

WASPs leave a party and never say good-bye;
Jews say good-bye and never leave.

Always whisper the names of diseases.

If it tastes good, it’s probably not kosher.

Laugh now, but one day you’ll be driving a Lexus
and eating dinner at 4:00 PM in Florida.

Any time a person goes into a delicatessen
and orders pastrami on white bread,
somewhere a Jew dies.

Two immigrant Jews are learning English.
One asks the other, “Can you explain me
what means ‘alternative’?”
“Sure,” replies the other, “Just imagine,
you, a poor Jew, are walking down the street
here in New York, and you see on the ground
a twenty dollar bill. You pick it up,
you go to the market, you buy a rooster and a hen.
The hen begins to lay eggs, which you sell.
Thanks to the rooster, some of the eggs hatch,
you have more chickens, then more hens and more
eggs and more roosters. Business prospers,
you buy a nice piece of farmland in New Jersey.
You build a house, a chicken coop,
you keep doing better and better.
Then one day, along comes a downpour,
the flood destroys your house,
drowns all the chickens, you’re a poor Jew again.”
“Yeh,” asks the first Jew, “so what does this have to do
with the meaning of ‘alternative’?”
“Ducks.”

An enterprising shnorrer (beggar) comes to a Paris
antique store with a ratty old military jacket.
“This was worn by Napoleon himself at the Battle
of Waterloo. How much will you pay me for such
a unique relic?”
“Very interesting,” says the proprietor,
“but we already have several of Napoleon’s jackets.
Sorry.” The shnorrer leaves, only to return
a week later with an old jar.
“This is the very inkwell used by Victor Hugo
when he wrote ‘Les Miserables.’ I’m willing
to let this national treasure go for a reasonable price.”
“Thanks very much,” says the proprietor,
“but we have at least half a dozen of Monsieur Hugo’s inkwells.”
The shnorrer, much chagrined, stalks out. A week later
he returns with his head swathed in bandages,
and a small package under his arm.
“Here,” says he, “I have the very ear that Van Gogh cut off.
And don’t tell me you already have one,
because I’ve got the other one too!”

A peasant stops a Jew on the street, and gives him a
smack in the face.
“Thank you,” says the Jew, and gives the peasant twenty kopecks.
“What’s that for?” asks the puzzled peasant.
“It’s part of our tradition that on Purim, the holiday we
celebrate today, we are honored to be smacked by our Gentile
neighbors, and are required to reward them. In fact, you would
do well to go to the rich end of town and do the same
to Baron de Hirsch.”
The peasant hurries off to the de Hirsch mansion, knocks
on the door, asks to see the Baron, and proceeds to smack
him in the face. The Baron’s servants duly proceed to beat
the living daylights out of him, and throw him into
the ditch.He picks himself up and hobbles off, muttering,
“Damn Jews. Don’t even know their own customs.”

A Jew comes to America in the Roaring Twenties.
He goes directly to Chicago,where the Hebrew Immigrant Aid Society
has found him an apartment and a job.
No sooner does he get off the train and into the street,
than a limousine roars past him, with men in black shirts,
white ties, and grey fedoras firing Tommy guns at a pursuing police car.
From the limousine is thrown a suitcase, which lands at the feet
of the new immigrant. He opens it,looks in, and sees that
it is bursting with money.
“Ay, America, America, truly a golden land,” he declares, and putting
the suitcase under his arm, he goes to find his new apartment.
Two days later, well installed, he is surprised by a knock on the door.
He opens it to see two men in black shirts, white ties,
and grey fedoras: “Give us our money.”
The Jew replies, “Ikh farshtey nisht .” [I don’t understand.]
The men leave, returning half an hour later with a
Yiddish-speaking rabbi.
“Tell him we want our money.” The rabbi translates.
The immigrant thinks, No way I’m parting with a hundred thousand dollars.
“Ikh farshtey nisht.”
The rabbi translates, “He says he doesn’t understand.”
The two hoods reply, “Tell him we’ll break both his arms if he doesn’t
give us the money.” The rabbi translates.
The immigrant thinks, a hundred thousand dollars is certainly worth
two broken arms. He again tells the rabbi, “Ikh farshtey nisht.”
The rabbi translates: “He says he still doesn’t understand.”
The two hoods reply, “Tell him we’ll break both his legs
if he doesn’t give us the money.” The rabbi dutifully translates.
The immigrant thinks, a hundred thousand dollars is even worth
two broken arms and two broken legs. He again tells the rabbi,
“Ikh farshtey nisht.”
The rabbi translates: “He says he still doesn’t understand.”
The two hoods reply, “Tell him we’ll kill him if he doesn’t
give us the money.” The rabbi translates.
The immigrant thinks, a hundred thousand dollars is certainly
not worth dying for. He tells the rabbi, “Dos gelt is untern bet.”
[The money is under the bed.]
The rabbi turns to the two thugs: “He says he still doesn’t understand.”

Tailoring was a popular Jewish trade, especially among immigrants
to America. Those who had to learn the skill here were actually
called “Columbus's shnayders”: Columbus’s tailors.
Pauline, a retired seamstress, is walking down Fifth Avenue, when
suddenly a man in a raincoat appears, opens it wide, and exposes himself.
She peers closely, and remarks, “That you call a lining?”

It’s well known that Jews have a very low rate of alcoholism,
whether due to genetics, culture, or both. Only in Jewish
restaurants does the waiter’s question, “red or white?”
refer to horseradish. Jews usually ascribe the cause
of their sobriety to the quality of the beverage,
and/or the circumstances in which it is imbibed.
The first experience of every Jewish male
with wine, eight days after birth, is accompanied by such
unpleasantness that it probably has a lifelong aversive
effect. In any case, we always drink with our legs crossed.
As for the quality of Jewish wine: the vintage is
less likely to be described as “1993” than as “last Tuesday.”
In addition, drunkenness is almost impossible,
because it is preceded by insulin shock.
So here’s a riddle:
Why are French wines stored on their sides, while Jewish
wines are stored upright?
Because with French wine you don’t want the cork to dry out;
with Jewish wine you don’t want the bottle cap to rust.

A Hassid lives with his son in a community populated by their sect,
north of London. One day the young man decides to seek his fortune
in the big city. He packs his suitcase and takes the train down to London.
He isn’t there long before he realizes that he’ll have to get himself
Anglicized if he wants to make it in business. So off he goes to Saville
Row, where he exchanges his Hassidic garb for a three-piece pinstriped
suit, a homburg, and an umbrella. Then off to the barber’s, where he 
as his beard and peyes shaved off.
And indeed the transformation works: within six months he is well on
his way to becoming a wealthy businessman. But he misses his father, 
so he calls and convinces the old man to join him in his fancy new digs.
The father packs a suitcase, and takes the train to Victoria Station,
where he is met by his son, whom he scarcely recognizes.
“What happened to you, my boy?”
“Well, Papa,” says the son, “in order to live here, one must become
completely English.”
“Me too?” asks the father.
“Yes indeed,” says the son.
“OK,” agrees the old man, “What do I have to do?”
So off they go to Saville Row, where he is
outfitted in a three-piece suit, complete with homburg and umbrella.
“That’s it? Now I’m English?”
“Not yet, Papa, now we go to the barber.” So off they go.
The old man sits down in the chair, and the barber
shaves off his luxuriant white beard.
“Now I’m English?”
“Not quite yet, Papa.”
Snip! Off comes one peye [earlock].
Now I’m English?”
“Almost, Papa.”
Snip! As the second peye falls,
the old man bursts into tears.
“Papa,” says the son, “what’s the matter?”
The old man sobs, “We gave up India!”

During the days of the Czar, Jews were restricted to living
in what was called the Pale of Settlement. Only those few
with specially needed trades could live in the cities.
Others required a hard-to-come-by special pass to even visit
relatives there. So some took their chances and visited
without a pass. The story is told of two brothers, one with
permission to live in Moscow, the other visiting him on the sly.
They are taking an after-dinner stroll, when suddenly they
see a policeman beginning to follow them.
The resident says to his brother, “I’ll run away. The policeman
will chase me. When he loses sight of you, just disappear
and make your way out of the city.”
All goes as planned. The legal brother starts to run, the
policeman chases him, shouting, “Stop, Jew!” The
other brother steals away to safety.
When the resident sees that his brother is safe, he stops,
and the policeman grabs him by the collar.
“Ha, Jew, I caught you! You’re here without a pass!”
“Not at all,” replies the Jew, producing his pass.
“But then why were you running?” asks the policeman.
“My doctor told me it’s good for my health to run
every evening after dinner.”
“But,” persists the policeman,
“why didn’t you stop when you saw me running after you?”
“I assumed you had the same doctor.”